


The Clown Prince

by Chelamine



Series: Star Wars Dress Up Theater [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Anagrams, Gangsters, Gen, Going undercover, Humor, Mobsters, Post-Star Wars: A New Hope, Pre-Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, anagrams everywhere, he's just a major influence to this idea, heavily influenced by the Joker, if you couldn't guess there's a joker-like character in this..., in a universe where luke has great acting skills I guess, luke and han did something stupid and now leia is forcing them to fix it, thank you mark hamill
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 11:44:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13166244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chelamine/pseuds/Chelamine
Summary: Have you ever been strong-armed by Han Solo until he got what he wanted? And then a day or two later you come to find out you should have been stronger in telling him no?Well, now Luke finds himself alone in a room full of insane gangsters, painted like a clown, and hoping Leia and Wedge work fast before anyone can tell somethings up.





	1. Chapter 1

“Well Chewie, we really bit it this time didn’t we?”

An annoyed snarl was the only reply for Captain Han Solo. The smuggler turned to stare at his taller companion with a withering look as his nose started to curl up in a snarl of his own.

“Say that again and I’ll throw you to these clowns myself.” He threatened dryly and that’s when Chewie turned his own questioning eyebrow at his companion, expression seeming to wonder if he thought he could actually do it when in reality no one could move Chewbacca unless he wanted to be moved.

Han seemed to sense Chewie’s dark amusement at his statement and grumbled another “Shutup” before the elevator dinged and there was blaster fire.

* * *

“No way.”

“Luke we don’t have much of a choice!” Leia cried from where she stood across from Luke in his quarters. The golden farm boy himself was sitting up in his bunk, half-asleep and half-dressed as it was the middle of the night rotation and he hadn’t even been awake five seconds before the Princess started into him.

“We have plenty of choices!” He cried before frowning in confusion, “Wait… what are our choices?”

Leia let an annoyed snort escape through her nose before she reached out a hand and yanked Luke from his bunk. Luke cried as he scrambled for the thin blanket he’d been issued but it fluttered to the floor and he was left standing in his boxers and a thin tank top. Leia curled her fingers into that tank top and dragged Luke close so she could better threaten him.

“Captain Stupid and his Wookie friend decided to take an _unscheduled_ trip out of here. Only _someone_ with _access_ to scheduling ships’ departures and arrivals modified the log to say they got clearance from _me_ when I clearly didn’t clear _anything_!” Even when it was mostly dark she was terrifying up close this angry and Luke tried to look anywhere but in her eyes.

“I wonder who did that…” he muttered weakly, ducking his head and worming his way out of the Princess’ grip.

Leia snorted again, “Yeah, who knows _Luke_.”

“Okay, but have you been on the other side of Han’s strong arming? It’s quite effective.” Luke said, trying in vain to defend himself, “He and Chewie double teamed me! I had no choice!”

“What a great and powerful Jedi.” Leia rolled her eyes, “Look, we just got a report of the Falcon being picked up one system away.”

“The Imperials?” Luke felt his gut starting to clench.

“Worse,” Leia said evenly, “Gangsters.”

“What?”

Leia sighed, “Put some pants on.” With that she turned to walk out and Luke hurried to catch up. She led him towards the command center, speaking freely as barely anybody was out this late.

“We got a sighting of the Bathets loading the Falcon into one of their own ships.” She said, entering the command center and digging through a stack of reports left waiting to be touched, “Anytime the Bathet mob is involved something either gets blown up or a lot of people die, and I’d rather His Glorious Idiocy and that walking carpet not be on their casualty list just to get back at us.”

“Okay, I have two questions.” Luke said as the Princess turned to hand him the report, which he took reluctantly, “Who are the Bathets, and why would they use Han to get back at us?”

Leia gave him a withering look, like Luke should know all of this already, “Have you not been reading the reports we send out?”

Okay so he should know this already.

“Maybe I missed one or two?” Luke shrugged helplessly. Rogue Squadron had him busy most of the time.

Leia rolled her eyes for probably the millionth time that _hour_ and launched into a heated explanation, “The Bathet mob are a group of space pirates who _think_ they’re on the level of the Hutts, and to their people they are. The whole group is practically a cult, with them worshiping their leader and his family like they’re some sort of deity. Their leader, the Tho family, are all completely insane. When they’re not high on spice they’re drunk and crashing ships into cities or murdering entire villages. They’re not big enough to be more than a nuisance, but they’re a violent nuisance.”

“Okay, and why would they involve Han in sticking it to the Alliance?” Luke asked.

“We recently captured their current head, Jerek Tho. He only recently took over from his dad, but he’s proving to be a lot worse than that man ever was. It’s common knowledge Captain Solo and the Millenium Falcon have ties to the Alliance these days so it’s not hard to conclude the Bathets might take him for a prisoner exchange, or just kill him in revenge.”

“Ah.” Luke nodded.

“Yeah, _ah_.” Leia snapped, “Thus when Mon Mothma said all non-essential trips to off base where to be postponed we were trying to avoid _this_! Then _you_ came along and dragged _me_ into it!”

“Okay, I’m sorry!” Luke cried, “How are we gonna fix it?”

The smile that Leia gave him was chilling and Luke regretted everything he’d ever done to wrong whatever Deity decided this would be his punishment.

“Follow me to the holding cells.”


	2. Chapter 2

Han tugged at his restraints experimentally, hoping the guard who’d secured him to the wall of the cell had been too hopped up on spice to lock it properly. It had happened before, and he was praying now it would happen again.

Unfortunately, it seemed the guard had still had the presence of mind needed to secure him because the restraints held tight. A few feet to his left, Chewie was writhing against his own chains, trying to pull himself loose from the wall. His restraints, reinforced with actual chains wrapped around his body, groaned in distress but held fast. Maybe if he kept at it all night they’d start to loosen from the wall, but who knew when the groaning of the wall would attract someone’s attention?

Han had dealt with the Bathet gang before, when they’d been under the old leadership and that guy had known the perks to making friends rather than enemies. This new kid, Jerek Tho? Han had never personally met him but he’d seen the HoloNews stories and heard the legendary rumors of large smiles being carved into corpses faces whenever someone crossed him. The guy was a maniac, and if there was any crime, big or small, he’d probably committed it somewhere in the known galaxy.

Han wondered if he and Chewie would get lucky and just be used in a prisoner exchange. He had to bet even the Empire had applauded the Alliance when news came through that they’d picked Jerek up after he carved three rebels up outside a bar on some backwater planet and then crashed his ship into said bar in his getaway. The guy was a menace, and his crazy goons were desperate to get him back.

Then again, he might wind up floating back to Home One sans a ship knowing these guys. Honestly, that seemed like the more likely outcome with how angry they seemed.

Han tugged at the restraints again; he’d have to think of something before that happened.

* * *

 

Jerek Tho looked like a ghost. His skin was bone white, his eyes sunken and shadowed with deep bags hanging off them, and the way he was grinning at everything made you think he was getting ready to bite something.

“Is that his natural hair color?” Luke asked, pointing to Jerek’s shiny green hair which hung in a curly mop around his head and in his face.

“You’re welcome to find out,” Leia said as she led him into the cell. Jerek was cuffed to the chrome table so all he could do was bow his head in greeting as they entered.

“Princess Honeybuns, if my eyes don’t deceive me!” He cried, “And who’s that behind you, your boyfriend?”

“Good evening Mr. Tho-“

“That’s _Prince_ Tho to you,” Jerek giggled, “My boys would tell you I’m a King among men.”

“Well are your boys here?” Leia asked patronizingly.

“I’m sure they will be soon,” Jerek chuckled, “Good doggies always manage to find their way home.”

Leia smiled evenly at Jerek, leaning slightly forward on the table to tower over him, “Do you know what we plan to do to you?”

“Nothing worse than what I’ve already done to myself, I’m sure!” Jerek laughed outright, and it was the most bone chilling thing Luke had ever heard.

“You carved three rebel soldiers up like they were slabs of meat,” Leia growled, “You’re responsible for hundreds of deaths across the galaxy – mainly civilians. With you off the board even the Empire is breathing easier.”

“That’s too bad, that’ll make your job harder won’t it?” Jerek smiled somehow wider.

Leia’s smile grew more aggressive as she leaned slightly closer, “We don’t care. We’re going to lock you up, throw away the key, and watch you _rot_.”

Jerek’s response was said just as evenly, his smile wide and treacherous, “Goodie.”

Leia smirked, seemingly satisfied, and turned to go. She beckoned Luke to follow and they were nearly out the door when Jerek called out to them.

“You didn’t introduce your boy toy there! Does he just like to watch or something?”

“Or something.” Leia replied without turning around, but Luke did turn to get a last look and it was then that he noticed the guy’s lips were so red it’d be easier to mistake them for bleeding.

When the door slammed and locked behind them Leia turned and stopped Luke in the hall, “Well, what did you think?”

Luke shivered, “That was terrifying.”

“I hope you can emulate that terror, our plan hinges on your acting skills.”

“What?!” Luke felt the knots in his gut coalesce into one giant one that was threatening to make him sick.

Leia smiled, her whole face radiating delight, “Next time Han tries to strong arm you into something, remember this.”

* * *

 

When Wedge walked into his shared quarters after finishing a night patrol shift he expected his roommate, Luke, to be dead to the world and snoring softly. Instead he found his commander leaning over the sink in a tank and Wedge’s shorts while Princess Leia massaged something green into his scalp. They didn’t seem to notice the door sliding open, so he announced his presence by slipping one boot off and dropping it loudly to the floor below. Both Leia and Luke jumped in response, Luke crying out as Leia pulled his hair in her surprise.

“Will you stop punishing me already? Dressing up like this is punishment enough!” Luke cried.

“That one was an accident!” Leia shot back before turning to Wedge, “And you, sit down and put your shoe back on! You’re not done for the night yet!”

“What did I do?” Wedge cried, surprised at the amount of fury being directed his way.

“You became bunkmates with lame brain here.” Leia grumbled, forcing Luke’s head down and turning the water on. Green goo poured down the sink, leaving Luke’s blonde locks a bright emerald.

“Is my punishment a dye job?” Wedge wondered aloud as he watched Luke grope blindly for a towel.

“It’s gonna be to help us spring Han and Chewbacca from the Bathets.” Leia replied.

“Ha, you’re funny Princess.” Wedge grinned, but the look soured as both Luke and Leia leveled serious looks at him, “You’re not kidding?”

“Your glorious leader here decided it’d be just a _hoot_ to modify the ship logs to let Han go riding out into space with the Bathets close by and pissed at us. Now, of course, they have him so before they can send Captain Solo back in a _bodybag_ we’re going to go rescue him ourselves.” Leia explained as she ripped open a bag and pulled something shiny and purple out.

“Why am I part of this?” Wedge asked.

“Because I’m terrified to be alone with Leia right now?” Luke tried, inspecting his new hair color in the mirror.

“Nah-ah, try harder.” Wedge frowned, “I’m tired, everything aches, and I want to sleep. Not tango with lunatics.”

“You’ll be in the Princess’ good graces?” Luke shrugged.

“Harder.”

“I won’t mention I saw you and Wes clowning around in the hangar last week and _that’s_ how we got that lovely new dent in the wall?” Luke turned and smiled sweetly at Wedge while Leia adopted a surprised and annoyed expression.

“That’s hard enough, I’m in.” Wedge nodded, reaching out to grab his boot from where he’d abandoned it on the floor, “What’s the plan?”

“Jerek has been known to wiggle his way to freedom from time to time,” Leia said, holding the purple garments up to Luke, “That’s not happening anytime soon with what we’re planning but the plan is to dress Luke up as Jerek and say that’s what happened.”

“I can’t possibly look anything like him; they’ll never fall for it!” Luke protested.

“For the fifth time, you will when I’m done with you.” Leia said, “And it helps you two are already the same size and height, I don’t need to worry about trying to find lifts for your shoes this late.”

“What if I’d been to short?”

Leia’s only reply was a smile.

“Okay, so Luke walks on the ship as His Royal High-ness, pun intended, and what are we going to do?” Wedge asked.

“We are going to slip down to their holding cells, free Chewbacca and Han, then slip back onto the ship Jerek quote unquote ‘stole’. Luke will find an excuse to leave his newfound friends and meet us there as soon as he can and we get out of there before they realize what’s happened.”

“That is a very weak plan; a million things could go wrong.” Wedge observed.

“It’s that or we tell Mothma and have her handle it. And if I do that we’re all screwed.” Leia shrugged. Satisfied with the fit of the clothes for Luke, she tossed them onto the bunk beside Wedge and reached into the bag to pull out a handful of large white tubes. She also pulled out a large silver can, which she screwed the cap off of and turned to spray Luke in the face. Probably still annoyed with him, she gave the pilot no warning and Luke was left doubled over and hacking as she proceeded to spray his arms and his neck.

“What was that for?” Luke asked when he could breathe again.

“You saw his skin right? You can’t go in there looking like you got a tan.” Leia explained, twisting the cap off the tube, “Spread this over your arms while I get your neck.”

She squeezed a sizable amount onto Luke’s hand, which he proceeded to slather along his arms while Leia hurried to stand behind him and begin covering his neck in white body paint. Both worked furiously to spread the paint as fast as possible, only pausing to squeeze more from the tubes every once in a while.

“I still think this is a weak plan.” Wedge muttered as he leaned back to watch them work.


End file.
